larry-the hook guy

WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE........

2011-08-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

Daryl and Brenda were sweethearts, in a redneck, trailer park sort of way. But man did they love each other! That is for about 10 minutes a day. The other 23 hours and 50 minutes they were cussin' and fussin' and fighting like cats and dogs (sorry cats and dogs for lowering your standards in the world, it just seemed to fit).

For those ever so brief moments, you would have thought the two of them had just wed on "FANTASY ISLAND", with Mr. Roarke as the preacher and Tattoo as the best man. But something in their genetic makeup just would not let that couple go a day without an argument of some kind where one or the other, and sometimes both, would storm off to their respective parents to sulk for a time. And just as soon as they separated, the began to miss each other.

This went on for several years while I was a police officer in the small town of FRANKLIN, GEORGIA. Now when I say small, this could have been the twin of MAYBERRY. FRANKLIN was the only real city in the whole county and had the distinction of having the only traffic light in the entire county. On a clear night, you could hear banjo music.

Back in those days we (the police) were not encumbered by such finite laws, rules, and regulations. If something was wrong, we fixed it. Writing mounds of paperwork, getting permits and permission were unheard of. Point in case, if a woman said that the low-down bastard that she had been living in sin with had hit her, we went and locked said bastard up--problem solved. Then after a day or two, or at least until he sobered up and she calmed down, he was released with an indefinite court date. Meaning--go home and behave.

Now this worked 99% of the time, but here we go back to Daryl and Brenda. That woman used that privilege (of having drunk husband/boyfriend locked up) more than poor folks play the Lottery. Those two would be rolling along, as happy as could be. Daryl would have one to many (a practice I thought made sense, knowing Brenda), Brenda would say/do something to piss Daryl off. He would say/do something to make Brenda mad, then the fireworks started!

Daryl owned a beautifully restored, Canary Yellow, 1968 Chevy Nova. To give this country boy his due, he had done a first class job on the restoration. I also give him credit for the fact that he had sense enough to never drive that car when he had been drinking, which meant that he seldom got to drive it.

THE PERFECT STORM!

I borrowed that film title because everything came together on that hot summer night back in the mid-1980's to make this tale fun to remember and share!

Unlike usual, in that Brenda usually called us during the day, she came bursting into the Sheriff's Office about midnight on this particular Wednesday night. She was upset and babbling incoherently about Daryl and she had gotten into a fight(news flash!) and that he was drunk (stop the presses!) and that he had driven off in the NOVA! Whoa Nellie! Now that got my attention as that boy could not walk when drinking, much less drive an automobile.

The deputy and I calmed Brenda down as much as possible to try and make sense out of this mess. Unlike the usual scenario of Brenda just picking up the phone and calling when the fight started, she said she was leaving him and ran out the door. Although she just ran around to the back of their apartment, Daryl, in his drunken state, panicked and who knows what went through his mind, other than he had to get his woman back.

Now Brenda's parents lived south of Franklin, while Daryl's parents live north of town. It was decided that the deputy would go to Daryl's parents as he was, I think, some kin to them and had a better relationship with them than I. My job was to drive south and try to locate this guy before he hurt himself, or God forbid, an innocent person.

Off we both went. I was just over a mile south of town when my headlights pick up the sight of a man running towards me in the center of the road. I say running, but that is the nearest word to describe a man, drunk as the proverbial bicycle, sopping-soaking wet (we'll get to that in a minute), running up an incline.

Well yes, it was Daryl! I had stopped far enough back so that he could get plenty of exercise out of his run(so shoot me, I'm a little devil). He stuck his drunk, dripping, head in my window, blubbering, burbing, and baptizing me with filthy, sinking pond water(?).

"Brenda's dead! I killed her! Oh GOD! Oh GOD!" He repeated this over and over. I would have been duly concerned had I not just spoken and seen Brenda less than 10 minutes earlier and the fact that I had dealt with hundreds and hundreds of drunks like this. Well, not exactly like this, but close enough.

As Daryl was crying, confessing, and begging for forgiveness, I called the deputy and told him my location and that I had the suspect. The deputy was already on his way towards me, as he had checked with Daryl's parents and knew the only other place he could be was south of town. The deputy arrived within a few minutes and I brought him up to speed.

Now to set the stage so that you can get the picture, if you are not familiar with the area, here is the layout. Just around the curve from where we found Daryl is a small, shallow lake on the left. If you are heading north, as Daryl was, the lake will be on your right, in a "hard" curve to the right. For some reason not known to me was a pile of dirt that made an excellent ramp of sorts.

Well the three of us went to the scene. walked up the "ramp" and looked into the shallow lake. Daryl had gone into the curve much too fast, down the embankment, up the ramp, and momentum cause the vehicle to do a 180 degree turn, belly-flopped into that lake, with the top barely two feet under water. The headlights were still on, illuminating the fish as they swam in front of them.

It was also a full moon(which might explain part of this story) and it was bright enough, along with the headlights, that you could see that beautiful, totally ruined Nova just sitting in the water. The deputy and I both just wanted to smack Daryl, if for nothing else, destroying such a wonderful car.

Standing there in silence, it just came to me! Although I can not carry a tune in a bucket, I at least know the words: "WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE............"

The deputy turned and looked at me, shook his head and said, "Cook, you ain't got a lick of sense."

As I sit here, typing this story, I tend to agree with him!

Oh, after letting Daryl "stew" for a while, confess all his sins to GOD, promise to stop drinking, etc., etc., I finally told him that Brenda was safe at the Sheriff's Office. SEE, I can be a good guy, sometimes.

larrycook351@yahoo.com

706-302-8902

I AM BLESSED WITH SOME OF THE STUPIDEST READERS!

2010-04-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about you! I know you read this crap. There is a "live feed" counter on the lower right hand side of this blog that lets me know when and where you came from to read these pearls of wisdom.

You must assume that it is easy to come up with all this wit and wisdom. Well, I am a little better at it than most, yet and still it does take up a considerable amount of my valuable time and effort. I would like just a little consideration in return.

I mean, would it kill you to just peck out, I don't know, sometime like,"I just read your latest bunch of bilge water and want to hurl my lunch. Your bony fingers should get stuck between the keys and there you would stay, you puck!"

Now is that too much to ask?

Thank you and have a wonderful day!

larrycook351@yahoo.com
706-302-8902

WELL, HELL, IDENTITY THEFT AIN'T NOTHING NEW AT OUR HOUSE!

2010-02-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

Way back when Janice and I first got married, we lived just outside of Newnan, Georgia in a trailer park. Yes I said a TRAILER PARK! Of course, back then everybody spoke American and went to the same church.

We had a RURAL ROUTE 5 mailing address, since there was no such thing as house numbering, GPS, or the like. Remember the RR5, we'll get back to it.

Well 9 months after the wedding bells sounded, our first child was on the way. Nothing out of the ordinary, a healthy baby boy, Joseph Allen was born. Not being the savvy business man that I am today, I did not have insurance to cover the expenses and had to work two jobs to pay off that child. Still, no problem, it's just what you do. This was October 28, 1975, also remember this date.

Almost two years later, October 12, 1977, to be exact, Janice was again at Newnan Hospital to deliver our next child. As I was waiting to welcome Clayton Daniel into the world, a nurse asked me to go down to the accounting office to see the manager.

When I was seated he informed me that they (the hospital) could not deliver my child. I told that pencil-pusher unless he knew how to stop Janice's contractions, plus had nerve enough to tell her she couldn't have the baby there, he needed to step aside and let nature take its course.

He informed me that the reason was that I had an unpaid balance on the previous child (born 10/28/75) and they had a policy of not giving further service to people with outstanding balances.

I informed him that he was full of s---, and that I had all the receipts at home, with a "paid in full" receipt locked safely away in a lock box for just such an occasion. Flustered, he began to scramble through his paperwork (this was pre-computer printouts) to prove that I was indeed the shiftless deadbeat that he thought I was.

Here comes the identity theft (of sorts) part of the story:

He said, "Aren't you Larry T. Cook?"
Me, "It's actually "G", but close enough.
He, "An your wife is Jan M. Cook?"
Me, "She prefers "Janice".
He, "You live on RR5, Newnan, Ga.?"
Me, "For the last 2 years."
He, "Your wife gave birth here on Oct. 28, 1975?"
Me, "Correct."
He, "And your daughter's name is........?"
Me (as I interrupted), "Only girl in my house is upstairs giving birth!"

Here are the stats:
On the other end of RR5 in Newnan, Ga., lived a guy by the name of Larry T. Cook. His wife was Jan Michelle Cook, while my wife is Janice Marie. They had a healthy baby girl the same day that our son was born. Well that might be the end of the story except------

I started getting calls from local companies such as furniture stores, department stores, and the like, saying that I was behind on my payments. When I tried to tell them it was mistaken identity, it comes to light that the sorry s.o.b. was giving Janice and my work places as references for credit. Back in those days the local stores would just call and ask if you worked at a certain place and the credit clerk would get all the information she needed. This obviously was before all the privacy policies of today.

Well, after some doing, we finally got all that straightened out. Shortly after that we moved and I took a job with another police department in the small town of Franklin, Ga.
During the summer the main event for this sleepy little town was the FRANKLIN MUSIC PARK. Owned and operated by the honorable Mr. Hugh Goodson, the Who's Who in country music would perform there in the course of the summer. Of course my job was to work every Friday and Saturday night, helping direct traffic, as this place drew huge crowds. Because I always worked the nights of the shows, I never got to attend any of the shows.

So you can imagine my surprise when I received a call to report to the magistrate court one afternoon, while I was in uniform and on duty. The judge called me aside and said, "Larry, I'm sorry but I have a bad check warrant for your arrest. I want to see if we can fix this before it goes to court."
"Mrs. Alexander, I don't know how you could have a warrant for me; I don't write the checks at my house, Janice does. Who says that we gave them a bad check?"
"Well the affidavit says that you bought 4 of the best seats in the house at the Charlie Daniels Show at the Music Park and the check is no good."
"First of all Clarise(Mrs. Alexander), you know that I am directing traffic to all the shows, along with everybody else at the Police Dept. and the Sheriff's Dept. The chief and the sheriff are the only two that get to see the concerts. Please let me see the check."

That son-of-a-bitch had come to Franklin, wrote a bad check, and now I was having to again straighten out his mess. I called my former chief in Newnan, and giving him the story, he sent 2 detectives to find this joker and show him the error of his ways. After a few days in a country jail, the message seemed to sink in and I never had my identity stolen or confused again.

p.s. I forget to mention that while we still lived in Newnan, Janice went to a local fast food restaurant known as the WISHBONE (best damn fried shrimp anywhere) and when her order came, she wrote the girl a check which was commonplace back in those days.

The clerk looked at the check, looked at Janice, and then back at the check. With a room full of lunch-time customers, the clerk looked Janice dead in the eyes and announced in a loud voice, "This check ain't no good, the Cooks ain't never wrote a good check here."

Just as Janice was crouching into ninja attack mode, the fry-cook came out to look and just happened to be on the same softball team as Janice. Seeing that death was about to be visited upon the clerk, the lady from the back rushed forward and shouted, "NO! NO! This is a different set of Cooks!"

All of Janice's life, she had been a forgiving person. But until the day she passed away, she still did not see the humor of that day. She was a good Christian woman, but she did have her pride!

larrycook351@yahoo.com
706-302-8902

I'VE GONE "GREEN"!

2009-12-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

Being the proud American that I am, I want to support "my" president (It still sticks to the roof of my mouth ever time I say it) all that I can, so I've gone GREEN (what ever the hell that means). I thought if I said it enough, it would make me a liberal. But no, I still don't want to tell you how to live or spend your money.

Anyway, the above is my version of a green vehicle. No fuel consumption, plenty of physical exercise, and save a bunch of scrap from the landfill.

The fun part is when I announce that I am going for a drive, and Susie and Arnold both call "shotgun" and then try to figure the seating arrangement!?! You get your kicks where you can, I always say.

O.K.--SO I'M SHOWING OFF! SUE ME!

2009-12-06T05:24:00.000-08:00

For the casual reader (or non-reader for that matter, which begs the question-what the hell are doing here now?), this is SUSIE COOK, our 11 year miniature Beagle.

Of course, the first day we got her and took her to the vet and they called Susie "COOK", we have not been able to convince that she is acutally a D-O-G.

You really can't blame her. She has slept in the bed with us since Day One. She pretty much gets to eat anything she wants (a treat I would like myself). Her vet visits are more that my doctor visits. But the real kicker is when I spent almost FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS with a "doggie chiropractor" to straighten out a dislocated spine, and she looked up a me with those big round brown eyes, I just said,"What the hell, who am I trying to kid". SUSIE COOK runs this house!

NOW-1002 USES FOR DUCT TAPE!

2009-11-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

ONLY IN AMERICA CAN YOU SEE RIGHT ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF YOU THE REASON FOR NOT ABANDONING THE BLOOD TEST BEFORE MARRIAGE! SURELY THE LOVING COUPLE THAT PRODUCED THIS OFF-SPRING DID NOT SAY TO EACH OTHER, "WELL IF YOUR IQ IS 60 AND MINE IS TOO, THEN BUBBA JUNIOR WILL BE A GENIUS!" WRONG!
BUT I JUDGE FROM ONLY LOOKING AT A PHOTO. SHAME ON ME!
WHO AM I TRYING TO KID? COME ON AMERICA, WHERE IS OUR MORAL COMPASS POINTING? LOOKS TO ME LIKE IT POINTING STRAIGHT TO HELL!
I'M NOT FOR BIG GOVERNMENT, BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT WE NEED RULES TO LIVE BY, EITHER WRITTEN OR HANDED DOWN, IF NOT NATIONALLY, AT LEAST HAVE STRONG COMMUNITY STANDARDS TO LIVE BY. THIS CLOWN WOULD NOT LIVE IN MY COMMUNITY.
IF THERE IS ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD, THE MANUFACTURERS OF THE BRAND "DUCT TAPE" SHOULD SUE THE PANTS OFF HIM (WOULDN'T TAKE MUCH-THEY ARE ALREADY HALF OFF!) I'M TELLING YOU NOW, IF I WAS ON THAT JURY, WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE COURT ROOM TO RENDER A VERDICT.

GUILTY BY REASON OF STUPIDITY!

HOW TO SOLVE THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS AND EAT GOOD TOO!

2009-11-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

WELL, THE OTHER EVENING, WHILE I TESTING OUT A NEW GRILL THAT I FOUND IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE,( THIS DANG THING EVEN HAS WHEELS ON IT TO TRANSPORT FROM COOK-OUT TO COOK-OUT!) THE MISSES WAS PUTTING ON A MINI FASHION SHOW OF SORTS. THEN IT CAME TO ME CLEAR AS A BELL (ALTHOUGH I HAVE OWNED MANY BELLS AND NOT ONE OF THEM WAS CLEAR), I KNOW HOW WE COULD HAVE FIXED THIS WHOLE ECONOMY MESS AND EVERYBODY WIN; EVERYBODY BEING THE HARD-WORKING AMERICAN TAX PAYERS!

INSTEAD OF GIVING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO COMPANIES THAT WILL SQUANDER THE MONEY ON LAVISH PARTIES AND UNEARNED BONUSES, USE THE FOLLOWING PLAN.

I CALL IT THE PATRIOTIC RETIREMENT PLAN.

THERE ARE ABOUT 40 MILLION PEOPLE OVER AGE 50 IN THE WORK FORCE

PAY THEM $1MILLON DOLLARS APIECE

SEVERENCEFOR EARLY SRETIREMENT WITH

THE FOLLOWSTIPULATIONS:

1) THEY MUST RETIRE. FORTY MILLION JOB OPENINGS--UNEMPLOYMENT FIXED!

2)THEY MUST BUY A NEW AMERICAN CAR. FORTY MILLION CARS ORDERED--AUTO INDUSTRY FIXED!

3) THEY MUST EITHER BUY A NEW HOUSE OR PAY OFF THEIR MORTGAGE-- HOUSING CRISIS FIXED!

IT CAN'T GET ANY EASIER THAN THAT.

P.S. IF MORE MONEY IS NEEDED, HAVE THE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS AND THEIR CONSTITUENTS PAY THEIR TAXES......

AND WHILE YOUR AT IT, MAKE CONGRESS RETIRE ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE; THOSE TWO PROGRAMS WOULD THEN GET FIXED PRONTO!!!

FEEL FREE TO PASS THIS ALONG TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, YOU NEVER KNOW, SOMETHING MIGHT TAKE HOLD.

8 MEXICANS AND A 6 SHOT .38!

2009-06-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

MY KIDS ARE GROWN AND HAVE KIDS OF THEIR OWN AND THEY TELL ME THAT THEY CAN'T REMEMBER A TIME WHEN THEY HAVEN'T SEEN MEXICANS (OR LATINOS IN GENERAL) AS A COMMON SIGHT. WELL, I SURE CAN! BACK IN THE FIRST OF THE 1980"S, IT WAS A RARE SIGHT INDEED TO SEE ANYONE OTHER THAN THE LOCALS IN THIS LITTLE "ONE TRAFFIC LIGHT COUNTY." THAT'S CORRECT. THERE WAS ONLY ONE TRAFFIC SIGNAL IN THE WHOLE COUNTY. I'VE SAID BEFORE THAT IF YOU DID NOT KNOW BETTER, YOU MIGHT THINK THAT YOU WERE IN MAYBERRY. AND YES, WE HAD ALL THE TOWN CHARACTERS, JUST THE NAMES WERE DIFFERENT, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER BLOG FOR ANOTHER DAY--TRUST ME, I WILL RETURN TO THE CHARACTERS!

THE ONLY TIME THAT YOU WOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE OF THE WORLD WAS IF YOU WERE AT A LOCAL SERVICE STATION OR CONVENIENCE STORE. ALMOST EVERYBODY THAT LIVES IN HEARD COUNTY, GEORGIA HAD DEEP, DEEP ROOTS HERE. FOR THE MOST PART THERE THE WHITE COMMUNITY AND THE BLACK COMMUNITY. MOST FOLKS GOT ALONG, YOU HAVE TO IN A SMALL TOWN/COUNTY. IF YOU GOT MAD AND STOPPED TALKING TO TOO MANY PEOPLE YOU WOULD BE A HERMIT.

LIKE A LOT OF RURAL COUNTIES IN THE SOUTH, A LARGE PORTION OF THE LAND WAS DEDICATED TO TREE FARMING. I GUESS IN OTHER AREAS OF THE COUNTRY RE-PLANTING AFTER HARVESTING TREES MIGHT BE MECHANIZED, BUT HERE IT WAS BACK-BREAKING HANDS-ON WORK. THE REASON IS THAT IN HEARD COUNTY, GEORGIA, THE SAME VEIN OF GRANITE THAT MAKES UP STONE MOUNTAIN, GEORGIA RUNS UNDERGROUND AND POPS UP AGAIN ALL OVER THIS COUNTY. IT MAKES FOR SOME MIGHTY CREATIVE FARMING AND RANCHING PRACTICES. THE POINT TO ALL THIS IS THAT MACHINERY BACK THEN WAS ALL BUT USELESS.

ENTER THE MEXICANS! TREE PLANTING IS A ONE-AT-A-TIME, HANDS-ON AFFAIR IN THIS AREA. THE HISPANIC PEOPLE IN GENERAL ARE SHORT IN STATUTE, MAKING THEM MORE DESIRED FOR THIS TYPE WORK. WELL THAT WAS THE EXPLANATION I WAS GIVEN BY TREE FARMERS AND HISPANICS ALIKE, SO I HAVE NO REASON TO DOUBT IT. SINCE YOU NEEDED MEXICAN AND NONE LIVED HERE, THAT PRESENTED A SMALL PROBLEM FOR A WHILE. THEN LARGE TIMBER COMPANIES FOUND "SPONSORS" THAT WOULD SUPPLY ALL THE WORKERS NEEDED.

LET ME SAY HERE THAT HISPANIC PEOPLE ARE THE SAME AS ANY OTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE AND JUST WANTED TO WORK. BUT LIKE ANY OTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE, THEY COULD GET INTO TROUBLE AT TIMES. THE GROUP IN MY STORY WERE NO BETTER OR WORSE THAN ANY OTHER; THEY JUST HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING DIFFERENT AND OUT OF THE ORDINARY (AND I BELIEVE JUST A LITTLE MISCHIEVOUS).

I RECEIVED A CALL FROM THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE MANAGER ABOUT 8PM ONE EVENING. IT WAS ALREADY DARK, SO I AM ASSUMING THAT IT WAS LATE FALL OR EARLY WINTER. WHEN I ARRIVED, THE MANAGER MET ME A THE DOOR AND TOLD ME THAT THERE WERE 8 HISPANIC MALES IN HIS STORE AND ACTING SUSPICIOUS. NOW I SPENT MANY CLASS HOURS AT VARIOUS POLICE ACADEMIES AND I NEVER RECALL ANY REFERENCE TO WHAT A MEXICAN (OR 8) IN A PIGGLY WIGGLY STORE CAN DO TO ACT SUSPICIOUS. THIS WAS WAY BEFORE THE DAYS OF "9-11" AND THOUGHTS OF TERRORISM AND SUCH. BACK THEN THE "PIGG" DIDN'T EVEN HAVE AN ETHNIC FOOD SECTION, SO WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?

I FOLLOWED HIM UP INTO HIS OFFICE THAT WAS A HALF-FLOOR ABOVE EVERYBODY SO THAT HE COULD SEE EVERY AISLE AND WHAT WAS GOING ON. THIS ACTUALLY WAS TO INTIMIDATE THE EMPLOYEES AND KEEP THEM ON THEIR TOES, EARNING THAT MINIMUM WAGE. AS I STOOD IN "THE TOWER", I COULD SEE THAT THE 8 MEN HAD SPLIT UP AND PAIRED UP SO THAT 4 GROUPS WERE GOING THROUGH THE AISLES. THEY DID SEEM A LITTLE NERVOUS, GIVEN THE FACT THAT THEY WERE SEVERAL THOUSAND MILES FROM HOME, IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND DID NOT SPEAK THE LANGUAGE, THEN YEAH, THEY WERE SUSPICIOUS.

"WELL BILL," I SAID THE THE MANAGER,"YOU THINK THEY CAME HERE TO CLEAN OUT THE BEANIE-WIENIES." "THAT AIN'T FUNNY. THEY ARE UP TO SOMETHING AND I WANT THEM OUT OF HERE." OLE BILL WAS PRETTY RED-FACED BY NOW AND TOOK THE LOSS OF EVEN ONE OF HIS CAN GOODS AS JAIL-TIME OFFENSE. IT WAS HIS STORE AND HIS ORDERS, SO I CAME DOWN FROM HIS OFFICE AND BEGAN TO GET UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH EACH GROUP UNTIL I HAD REUNITED THE 8 TOGETHER. THEN I POINTED TO THE FRONT DOOR AND WITH A COUPLE OF NODS FROM THE GROUP THEY LEFT EN MASS.

"ANOTHER CRIME WAVE AVERTED," I SAID OVER MY SHOULDER AS I WENT OUT THE FRONT DOOR BEHIND THE MEN. I COULD HEAR THE MUFFLED GIGGLES AT THE CHECK OUT COUNTER AND COULD ONLY IMAGINE THE DARKER SHADE OF RED THAT WAS BEFALLING BILL. I FIGURED, WHAT THE HELL, I'M AN EMT (EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECH), I'LL GIVE THE DUMB-ASS CPR WITH MY FOOT IF HE CRASHES.

WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD BE AN UNEVENTFUL REST OF THE EVENING SHIFT WAS SOON SHATTERED SOME 15 MINUTES LATER WHEN DISPATCH CALLED. THERE 8 MEXICANS AT THE QUICK STOP DOWN BY THE RIVER AND "ACTING FUNNY". THESE GUYS HAD GONE FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE OTHER I THOUGHT. TAKE A BREAK PEOPLE. I PARKED MY PATROL CAR ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE CONVENIENCE STORE AND WATCHED AS THE GUYS WERE DOING THE SAME AS IN THE PREVIOUS STORE. THE YOUNG GIRL THAT WAS THE STORE MANAGER HAD A LOOK OF TERROR ON HER FACE AS IF THEY MIGHT STEAL ALL THE BEEF JERKY BEFORE RAPING HER AND STEALING ALL THE CHEAP WINE THEY COULD CARRY.

"THAT"S IT, I'M NOT DOING THIS DANCE ALL NIGHT LONG. I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO", I SAID TO MYSELF, ALTHOUGH FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT REALLY WAS IMPORTANT MOST OF THE TIME THERE. I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE HASSLED BY STORE MANAGERS, CLERKS, BAG BOYS, JANITORS, OR ANY OTHER EMPLOYEES BECAUSE THEY WERE OPEN FOR BUSINESS AND DAMMIT, SOMEBODY CAME IN. I DROVE ACROSS TO THE STORE, GOT OUT AND WENT IN. THE LOOK OF RELIEF ON JILL'S FACE (THE MANAGER) WAS AS IF SHE HAD JUST BEEN SAVED BY THE HERO OF A "B" WESTERN MOVIE ( IT DID NOT TAKE MUCH TO EXCITE THESE PEOPLE, AS YOU CAN SEE). I STOOD IN THE FRONT OF THE STORE, BLEW MY POLICE WHISTLE, AND MOTIONED FOR THE GUYS TO COME FORWARD. AS THEY APPROACHED, I SAID FOR THEM TO GO OUTSIDE AND STAND IN A LINE IN FRONT OF THE STORE. I WALKED OUT AND SURE ENOUGH THEY WERE IN A LINE.

"OK GUYS, LET'S SEE SOME GREEN CARDS." (THEY ARE NOT REALLY GREEN AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THEY ARE CALLED GREEN CARDS, ANOTHER GOVERNMENT THING). ALMOST AS SOON AS I GOT THE WORDS OUT OF MY MOUTH SEVERAL OF THE GUYS RESPONDED, "NO OBLAY,ONGLAY, SENIOR." (I APOLOGIZE FOR THE TRANSLATION). I ASKED AGAIN AND AGAIN GOT THE SAME ANSWER. NOW THIS IS COMING FROM A GROUP THAT I TOLD IN ENGLISH TO GO OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE STORE AND STAND IN A LINE AND THEY DID.

NOW I DON'T KNOW HOW THE REST OF THE WORLD WOULD HAVE HANDLED IT, BUT I KNOW HOW I DID. FIRST AND FOREMOST, YOU DO NOT LIE TO THE PO-LEASE. SECOND, I WAS ALONE WITH NO AVAILABLE BACK UP, OUT-NUMBERED 8 TO 1. (THIS WAS HOW THE INCIDENT REPORT WAS GOING TO READ IF THIS THING WENT SOUR). I PULLED OUT MY .38 CAL. SMITH&WESSON POLICE SPECIAL, POINTED IT AT THE GROUND JUST IN FRONT OF THE GROUP. "I WILL SHOOT THE TOES OFF THE NEXT SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT SAYS THAT. GREEN CARDS! NOW!" THE HANDS WERE A MASS BLUR AS 8 SLIPS OF PAPER WERE PRESENTED TO ME AT ONCE. I TOOK THEM WITH MY LEFT HAND AND PRETENDED TO LOOK AT THEM. "THESE ARE NO GOOD ON THIS SIDE OF THE RIVER, I'M GOING TO COUNT TO 100 AND THEN SHOOT THE ONES I SEE IN THE BUTT IF YOU ARE STILL ON THIS BRIDGE, NOW GIT". I EXPECTED THEM TO RUN AND RUN FAST, I DID NOT EXPECT THEM TO ACTUALLY CROSS THAT BRIDGE BY THE TIME I REACHED 100.

THE NEXT TWO THINGS THAT HAPPENED SEEMED TO HAPPEN SIMULTANEOUSLY. THERE HAD BEEN A MAN STANDING OUTSIDE OF HIS CAR WATCHING ME AS I CONDUCTED THE "INTERVIEW". HE STARTED TO WALK TOWARDS ME JUST AS TRUITT DAVIS, THE MAYOR PULLED UP TO WHERE I WAS STANDING. "WHAT'S GOING ON COOKIE?" TRUITT ASKED AS HE LEANED OUT OF THE WINDOW. "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON", THE STRANGER BEGAN IN A HIGH-PITCHED, SEMI-HYSTERICAL TONE. LET ME STOP RIGHT HERE AND GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF MY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE OF PROFILING, THAT S.O.B. WAS ONE BIG TREE HUGGING LIBERAL. I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA. WELL THE TREE HUGGER MADE HIS SPEECH ABOUT RIGHTS, THREATS, ILLEGAL THIS AND ILLEGAL THAT. WHEN HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO REWIND AND TELL IT AGAIN, TRUITT HELD UP HIS HAND, THEN NODDED AT ME, WHERE UPON I STARTED AT THE FIRST CALL AND WOUND UP STANDING THERE TALKING TO TRUITT. TRUITT ASKED ABOUT THE GREEN CARDS, AND I SAID THAT I WAS GOING TO CALL THE DEPUTY TO TAKE THEM OUT TO THEIR WORK CAMP AND GIVE THEM TO THE FOREMAN AND ASK THAT HE BRING THEM TO TOWN FROM NOW ON.

"YOU TWO JUST WAIT UNTIL I FIND THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN AND TELL HIM WHAT WENT ON (THE MAN STILL DID NOT HAVE A CLUE THAT HE WAS TALKING TO THE MAYOR AND WAS ABOUT TO FIND OUT ABOUT HIS FAMOUS TEMPER), I"LL SEE THAT I GET YOUR JOB, OFFICER." AT THAT POINT TRUITT HAD ENOUGH OF A TOTAL STRANGER POKING HIS NOSE INTO WHAT WAS CLEARLY NOT HIS BUSINESS. HOLDING UP HIS HAND TO SILENCE THE MAN, TRUITT SAID, "BUB, I AM THE MAYOR AND I WILL DECIDE WHEN TO FIRE OFFICER COOK, NOT YOU. COOKIE, GIVE THIS GUY THE SAME 100 COUNT YOU GAVE THE MEXICANS." AND AS HE SAID THAT, HE BACKED OUT OF THE PARKING LOT AND LEFT.

THE TREE HUGGER WAS STILL STANDING THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN AS TRUITT DISAPPEARED AROUND THE CORNER, THEN LOOKED BACK AT ME, MOUTH OPEN. "1. 2. 3.", I BEGAN. I PROBABLY COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A TICKET FOR SCRATCHING OFF OR SPEEDING, BUT HE WAS UNDER ORDERS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN BEFORE 100.

I LOVED WORKING FOR TRUITT DAVIS, MAYOR OF THE CITY OF FRANKLIN, GA.

THE SEVERED HAND AND THE MAGIC BALLOON TEST

2009-06-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

THE CBS NETWORK IS PROBABLY THE ONE I WATCH THE MOST. IF THEY COULD SOMEHOW INCORPORTATE THE HISTORY CHANNEL INTO THEIR SCHEDULE, I WOULD BE HOOKED. ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS IS "THE MENTALIST, STARRING SIMON BAKER (ROBIN TUNNEY IS WORTH THE WATCH ALSO). IN SOME WIERD, STRECH-YOUR-IMAGINATION-TO-THE-LIMIT SORT OF WAY WE ARE VERY SIMILAR. LET ME CONNECT THE DOTS. AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW THE T.V. SHOW IS ABOUT A STAGE PSYCHIC/MAGICIAN HELPING THE POLICE SOLVE CRIMES. AS I, ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS A REAL-LIFE COP THAT USED MAGIC IN MY JOB (ALBEIT WITHOUT THE CHIEF'S KNOWLEGE OR APPROVAL). OH WELL, WHY SWEAT THE DETAILS. IT'S BEEN MY GUIDING RULE THAT IT IS EASIER TO GET FORGIVENESS THAN IT IS TO GET PERMISSION. IT WORKED MOST OF THE TIMES, EXCEPT WHEN I GOT FIRED TWICE, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER BLOG FOR ANOTHER DAY.

YOUNG CHILDREN, BOYS ESPECIALLY,ARE FASCINATED BY MAGIC. IT'S ONLY NATURAL TO BE CURIOUS ABOUT THAT WHICH YOU CAN SEE BE NOT EXPLAIN. HUMANS THINK THEY KNOW AND UNDERSTAND ALMOST EVERYTHING, SO THAT WHEN THE ORDINARY DOES NOT BEHAVE ORDINARY, WE ARE HELD SPELL-BOUND IN WONDERMENT TO FIGURE IT OUT. PLUS MOST PEOPLE LOVE TO BE PLAYFULLY FOOLED. I SAY, MOST PEOPLE, BECAUSE THE FEW THAT DON'T ARE THE MOST FUN TO FOOL. IT IS SORT OF LIKE-- THE BIGGER THEY ARE THE HARDER THEY FALL. AND FALL THEY DO.

THE SEVERED HAND

WELL BACK IN MY "CRIME FIGHTING DAYS", I WORKED IN A LITTLE TOWN SO SMALL THAT MAYBERRY LOOKED LIKE A BUSTLING CITY. THIS IS NO LIE, THERE WAS ONLY ONE TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WHOLE COUNTY. LET ME REPEAT THAT, ONE TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WHOLE C-O-U-N-T-Y! I AIN'T KIDDING WHEN I SAID SMALL. AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THE WORK LOAD WAS SOMETIMES VERY LIGHT. LIGHT TO THE POINT THAT WE WERE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO TO PASS THE TIME. LET ME SAY RIGHT HERE BEFORE YOU GET THE IDEA THAT I WAS ON PAR WITH ANDY TAYLOR OR EVEN WORSE, BARNEY FIFE, WE DID HAVE CRIME. THE SAME MURDER/DRUGS/RAPE/CAR-STEALING/ARMED ROBBERY CRIME THAT HAPPENS IN EVERY CITY IN AMERICA. THANKFULLY IT WAS PROPORTIONAL TO THE SIZE OF THE TOWN/COUNTY. PLAYING PRANKS ON FELLOW OFFICERS WAS COMMON. PLAYING PRANKS ON THE PUBLIC WAS EVEN BETTER BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T EXPECT IT AND DID NOT KNOW IF YOU WERE, OR THAT WAS THE WAY THE LAW REALLY WORKED. THEY JUST WANTED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. NOW WE DID PLAY AN AWFUL LOT OF PRANKS BUT WE NEVER CHARGED AN INNOCENT PERSON. WE JUST HAD FUN BOOKING THE GUILTY S.O.B.'S. I SAY THEY WERE GUILTY, WHY ELSE WOULD YOU ARREST THEM?

I HAD A STANDARD PRANK OF THE "DISMEMBERED HAND" THAT I USED A LOT. IT WAS YOUR EVERYDAY HOLLOWEEN TYPE HAND THAT I PLACED AT THE SCENE OF CAR ACCIDENTS. I USUALLY GOT THE FIRST CALL, AS I WAS TRAINED AS A "TRAFFIC ACCIDENT SPECIALIST". SOUNDS IMPORTANT, BUT IN REALITY IT MEANS THAT A ROOKIE WILL VOLUNTEER TO TAKE CLASSES WHEN A VETERAN COP HAS MORE SENSE. HAVING ROOKED MYSELF INTO THAT POSITION YEARS EARLIER, IT FOLLOWED ME TO EVERY DEPARTMENT THAT I WORKED FOR. PLUS, OTHER OFFICERS WERE GLAD TO GIVE THE WRECK CALLS TO ME, AS THAT MEANT LESS PERSONAL OFF-DAYS SPENT IN COURT WITHOUT PAY BACK IN THOSE DAYS. I MAY BE LETTING A BIG SECRET OUT OF THE BAG, BUT POLICE OFFICERS WILL PASS OFF A CRAPPY DETAIL ON ANOTHER OFFICER BEFORE YOU CAN SAY,"ASSUME THE POSITION"!

BACK TO THE STORY. IN A SMALL COMMUNITY, EVERYBODY AND I MEAN EVERYBODY HAS A POLICE SCANNER. IF YOU DON'T GO FULL ON-LIGHTS AND SIREN TO A CALL, THEN YOU CAN JUST BE SURE THAT SISTER SALLY IS GOING TO BE THERE FIRST AND HAVE MOST OF THE DETAILS AND READY TO PUT OUT A BOLO (BE ON THE LOOKOUT) FOR THE OFFENDER. NOSY, IRRITATING, TRIPPIN'-OVER-THEIR-DAMNED-FEET, BUSY BODIES. WELL, ON THE "ALL-TO-REGULAR" MAJOR CAR CRASHES, I WOULD PUT THE SEVERED HAND IN A NOT TO OBVIOUS PLACE. THE PUBLIC ALREADY HAD THEIR ORDERS TO STAY BACK. BUT IN A COMMUNITY WHERE ALMOST EVERYBODY IS KIN SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, THAT ORDER WAS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO IMPOSE. BESIDES THERE WERE TIMES WHEN SOME EXTRA HELP WAS NEEDED, SO YOU HAD TO BALANCE YOUR ENFORCEMENT OF RULES AS BEST YOU COULD. STILL, THEY WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE POKING AROUND THE ACCIDENT SCENE EVEN AFTER THE AMBLULANCE HAD REMOVED THE VICTIMS AND SURE ENOUGH, SHORTLY SOMEONE WOULD LET OUT A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM (IT WAS ALWAYS, ALWAYS FUNNY WHEN THE SCREAM CAME FROM A MAN). THE HAND WOULD BE DISCOVERED, EVERYONE WOULD COME RUNNING TO EXAMINE AND GIVE TWO CENTS WORTH. I WOULD TAKE THE HAND GINGERLY AT FIRST AS THOUGH IT WERE REAL, AND AFTER MAKING AN EXAMINATION ANNOUNCE THAT IT WAS A CHILD'S TOY THAT WAS MOST LIKELY UNDER THE SEAT OF ONE OF THE CARS AT THE TIME OF THE ACCIDENT. AT THAT MOMENT, I WOULD SNAP AN EVIDENCE BAG OUT OF MY BACK POCKET, LABEL THE HAND, AND GET THE NAME OF THE PERSON THAT FOUND IT--JUST IN CASE I NEEDED THEM IN COURT. THIS ACTION WOULD USUALLY CAUSE THE CROWD TO EVAPORATE IMMEDIATELY. EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON--NOBODY WANTS TO TELL IT IN COURT.

THE FAMOUS "BALLOON TEST"

YOUNG DRIVERS NOW DAYS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT WHEN I SAY "BALLOON TEST". SOMEWHERE AROUND THE MIDDLE OF THE LAST CENTURY, LAW ENFORCEMENT CAME UP WITH A SEMI-ACCURATE WAY TO DETERMINE HOW MUCH ALCOHOL A DRIVER HAD BEEN DRINKING. IN THE PAST IF YOU SMELLED OF AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE, WERE A LITTLE UNSTEADY ON YOUR FEET, OR SLURRED YOUR WORDS A LITTLE, THEN MOST OFTEN YOU WENT TO JAIL. IN A EFFORT TO PROMOTE A MORE FAIR SYSTEM, SCIENCE AND THE COURTS CAME TOGETHER TO USE PROVEN MEDICAL METHODS TO DETERMINE LEVELS OF INTOXICATION. ONE OF THE FIRST WAS A GLASS TUBE WITH A CHEMICAL THAT WOULD TURN GREEN WHEN ALCOHOL WAS BLOWN ACROSS IT. THERE WAS A RED LINE MARKED ON THE TUBE TO INDICATE THE LEVEL AT WHICH A DRIVER HAD CONSUMED TOO MUCH TO DRIVE. THERE WAS A MOUTH PIECE PLACED OVER ONE END OF THE GLASS TUBE AND A PLASTIC BAG (THE BALLOON) PLACED OVER THE OTHER. WHEN YOU BLEW THROUGH THE TUBE AND FILLED UP THE BAG, YOU HAD GIVEN THE PROPER AMOUNT OF SAMPLE FOR THE TEST. SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH, BUT INACCURATE AS HELL AND COULD BE MANIPULATED TO GIVE A FALSE READING. THANKFULLY SCIENCE PROGRESSED AND DEFENSE LAWYERS PROTESTED AND TODAY WE HAVE A MOST ACCURATE DELIVERY SYSTEM, WHICH ONLY MATTERS IF YOU DRINK AND DRIVE. LET ME TAKE A SECOND TO GET ON MY SOAP BOX AND SAY THAT I THINK MANDATORY JAIL TERMS SHOULD BE GIVEN ON FIRST OFFENSES. YOU DON'T GET DRUNK JUST BECAUSE YOU WALKED BY A BOTTLE OF BEER. IF YOU MAKE A POOR DECISION THEN YOU NEED A HARD LESSON! I FEEL BETTER NOW---ON WITH THE STORY.

AS I SAID A COUPLE OF THOUSAND WORDS EARLIER, I LOVE MAGIC. SOMEWHERE AROUND 1976 OR '77, I TOOK A SHORT MAGIC COURSE FROM A PROFESSIONAL MAGICIAN NAMED DAN GARRETT, A LOCAL ATLANTA MAGICIAN THAT AT ONE TIME DEVELOPED AN ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN FOR BURGER KING WHEN THE KING WOULD DO MAGIC TRICKS IN THE COMMERICAL. I LEARNED A LOT FROM DAN AND I AM GRATEFUL FOR HIS INSTRUCTION AND PATIENCE, MOSTLY PATIENCE, I'M A SLOW LEARNER. ONE THING THAT I LEARNED IS THAT A LOT OF MAGIC IS "SELF-WORKING". THAT IS IF YOU HAVE THE SENSE TO READ AND FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS THE EFFECT WILL, FOR ALL PRACTICAL PURPOSES, PERFORM ITSELF. THEN YOU TAKE THE BOWS. THE BALLOON TRICK IS ONE SUCH ILLUSION.

IF PERFORMED PROPERLY, YOU CAN INFLATE AN ORDINARY CHILD'S TOY BALLOON, THEN TAKE A LARGE NEEDLE AND STICK IT IN AND IT WILL NOT BURST. THIS IS AN AMAZING EFFECT! NOW CONSIDER SEEING THE SAME TRICK DRUNK AS A SKUNK. WORDS CAN NOT DO JUSTICE TO THE SHEAR TERROR IN THE EYES OF THE VICTIMS.

IT WAS JUST ANOTHER HOT-AS-HELL SUMMER NIGHT IN 1978 WHEN I SAW A CAR DRIVING DOWN MY SIDE OF THE ROAD. AS ACCOMMODATING AS I AM, I WAS NOT ABOUT TO DRIVE ON THE SHOULDER JUST TO BE COURTEOUS. WHEN I GOT THE SUSPECT STOPPED, I COULD TELL BY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE HOW THIS WAS GOING TO PLAY OUT. AS A FORMER CHIEF OF MINE WAS FOND OF SAYING "THAT SOMBITCH IS AS DRUNK AS A BICYCLE." I HAVE NEVER FIGURED OUT THE CORRELATION OF BICYCLES AND DRINKING BUT I DID KNOW THAT IT MEANT YOU WERE WAY TO DRUNK TO DRIVE. ANOTHER STRIKE AGAINST THE DRIVER WAS THAT MY FAVORITE DISPATCHER WAS ON DUTY, AS WELL AS MY FAVORITE DEPUTY. BY FAVORITE I MEAN THEY ENJOYED THE SHOW AND WOULD NOT TELL.

BY THE TIME I ARRIVED AT THE JAIL, THE DIPATCHER AND DEPUTY WERE THERE WAITING (THE DEPUTY MUST HAVE DRIVEN THE WHEELS OFF THAT CROWN VIC TO GET THERE THAT QUICKLY). WHEN ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE COUNTER FROM THE SUSPECT, I BEGAN MY "SET-UP".

"SIR YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE FAMILAR WITH WHAT IS CALLED THE BALLOON TEST, BUT LET ME EXPLAIN AND I WILL ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS AS WE GO ALONG." AT THIS TIME I PRODUCE A CLEAR LATEX CHILD'S TOY BALLOON. "SIR IT IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT IF YOU BLOW UP THIS BALLOON AND HAVE BEEN DRINKING ALCOHOL, THE ALCOHOL WILL MAKE THE BALLOON UNBREAKABLE WHEN I RUN THIS NEEDLE THROUGH IT". AT THE TIME I MAKE THAT STATEMENT I PRODUCE A GIANT SEWING NEEDLE ABOUT TWO FEET LONG WITH A 12 INCH LENGTH OF RED YARN IN THE EYE OF THE NEEDLE. A NEEDLE THAT BIG IS VERY,VERY IMPRESSIVE TO SAY THE LEAST. WELL DRUNK OR NOT, YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO THINK THAT YOU COUL RAM THAT BIG-ASS NEEDLE INTO THAT LITTLE BALLOON AND IT NOT POP."LLLLEEETTT MMEE GIT THISS STRAIGHT OFFICER. I AM GOING TO BLOW UP THIS HERE BALLOON AND YOU ARE GOING TO STICK IT WITH THAT NEEDLE AND IF IT DON'T POP IT MEANS I'M DRUNK AND IF I POPS I'M NOT DRUNK." "YES SIR, JUST BLOW IT UP AND WE'LL SEE IF YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT NOT DRINKING ANYTHING THIS WEEK."

WATCHING A DRUNK TRYING TO WRAP HIS LIPS AROUND A BALLOON AND BLOW IT UP IS COMEDY ENOUGH. I GUESS HE MUST HAVE ALMOST PASSED OUT THREE TIMES FROM TAKING SUCH DEEP BREATHS AND BLOWING EVERYTHING HE HAD IN AND AT THAT BALLOON. WHILE YOU ARE SITTING THERE READING THIS, TRY IT. COLD SOBER (IF YOU ARE) YOU WILL GET LIGHT-HEADED QUICKLY. WELL FINALLY HE GETS IT INFLATED. OH HE INFLATED IT A COUPLE OF TIMES AND AS HE HANDED IT TO ME, I WOULD LET IT FLY AROUND THE ROOM JUST BECAUSE I GOT TO BE ME.

NOW IS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, I AM HOLDING THE BALLOON IN MY LEFT HAND, THE 2FOOT NEELE IN MY RIGHT HAND. I SLOWLY INSERT THE NEEDLE INTO THE BOTTOM OF THE BALLOON AND OUT THE TOP WITHOUT IT BURSTING. JUST TO SHOW THAT I ACTUALLY DID STICK THE NEEDLE INTO THE BALLOON AND NOT BEHIND IT , AS THE EYE GOES THROUGH, I GIVE IT A QUICK JERK AND THE RED YARN STAYS INSIDE THE BALLOON. AT THIS TIME I HAND THE BALLOON TO THE BEWILDERED VICTIM, STANDING THERE WITH HIS MOUTH WIDE OPEN. JUST BEFORE HE CAN FORMULATE ENOUGH THOUGHT TO SAY A WORD, I TAKE THE SAME NEEDLE AND STICK THE BALLOON IN ANOTHER SPOT AND IT EXPLODES.

I COULD NOT HAVE DESIGNED WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. THE LENGTH OF RED YARN LANDED ON THE MAN'S HEAD ON THE LEFT SIDE AND MADE A PERFECT DIAGONAL ACROSS HIS LEFT EYE, NOSE, AND RIGHT CORNER OF HIS MOUTH. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MAN'S EYES SO WIDE OPEN IN MY LIFE. ALL THAT HE SAID WAS 14--14--14,MR. PO-LEASE. I HAD 14 BEERS. I'M SO SORRY.

HAVING PERFORMED THIS "TEST" ON SEVERAL OTHER OCCASIONS, I COULD MAINTAIN MY PROFESSIONAL(?) MANNER. MY CO-HORTS ON THE OTHER HAND WERE WORKING WITH ALL THEIR MIGHTS TO KEEP FROM ROLLING IN THE FLOOR. OF COURSE THE DRIVER WAS SO DRUNK AND BY NOW SO SCARED THAT I DON'T THINK THAT HE KNEW THEY WERE IN THE SAME ROOM.

JUST A FOOTNOTE: I AM NOW RETIRED SO IT SHOULD BE REASONALBLY SAFE TO DRIVE THROUGH HEARD COUNTY, GEORGIA.

IT'S A GATOR!! IT'S A MOTHER F......GATOR!!

2009-06-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

IT WAS A TYPICAL GEORGIA SUMMER EVENING IN JULY. HOT AS HELL! WE (THE GUYS THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL AND HUNG OUT WITH) WERE ALL SITTING ON THE STEPS AT JABLEY'S DEPT. STORE, WIPING SWEAT AND LYING ABOUT THE USUAL STUFF; SEX, CARS, GUNS, ETC.

I GUESS IT MUST HAVE BEEN ABOUT 8pm WHEN THE WILLIAMSON BOYS PULLED UP IN FRONT OF WHERE WE WERE SITTING. CHARLIE AS I RECALL LEANED OUT OF THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND SHOUTED, "HEY! Y'ALL WANT A GATOR?" CURIOSITY PEAKED, WE ALL LEAPED TOWARD THE CAR AS CHARLIE GOT OUT AND POPPED THE TRUNK. THERE IN THE FLOOR OF THE TRUNK ADMIST TIRE IRONS AND BEER CANS LAY A FLORIDA ALLIGATOR ABOUT 4 FEET LONG AND AS DEAD AS IT GETS. ONE OF THE WILLIAMSONS HAD SEEN IT ALONG SIDE THE ROAD AS THEY WERE RETURNING FROM AN ANNUAL FISHING/DRINKING TRIP, AND WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF PBR (PABST'S BLUE RIBBON BEER) IN THE COOLER AND A .38 PISTOL IN THE GLOVE BOX THE DEMISE OF THE ALLIGATOR WAS A FOREGONE CONCLUSION, AS INSTANT THOUGHTS OF CUSTOM HANDMADE ALLIGATOR SKIN BOOTS RACED THROUGH THEIR HEADS. A PLAN NOT VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT FOR SEVERAL REASONS. 1.THE GATOR WAS NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR EVEN ONE PAIR OF BOOTS MUCH LESS THE FIVE WILLIAMSONS THAT ENVISIONED THEM, 2.AT THE TIME IT WAS AGAINST THE LAW TO SHOOT, KILL, OR POSSESS A FLORIDA ALLIGATOR, AND 3. MOST IMPORTANTLY, NONE OF THE BOYS KNEW ANYONE WHO COULD SKIN, TAN, OR MAKE BOOTS. ALL MINOR DETAILS OVERLOOKED IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT AND AN ALL TO COMMON OCCURANCE WHEN ONE IS RETURNING FROM PANAMA CITY BEACH, HOT, DRINKING, ARMED AND A GATOR HAS THE DUMB LUCK TO CROSS YOUR PATH.

NOW AN IMPORTANT FACT NOT TO BE OVERLOOKED IS THAT BACK IN THOSE DAYS THERE WAS NOT 10 FEET OF INTERSTATE, FOUR LANE, OR ANY OTHER WAY OF GETTING HOME FAST. ADD IN THE HEAT AND YOU HAVE A DEAD ALLIGATOR THAT IS BEGINNING TO GET "RIPE", I MEAN THAT THING WAS REALLY STARTING TO SMELL!

WELL OF COURSE WE SAID, "SURE, WE WANT IT", NOT STOPPING FOR A SECOND TO THINK WHAT THE HELL WE GOING TO DO WITH A DEAD, SMELLY, ILLEAGAL ALLIGATOR. AS THE WILLIAMSONS ROARED OUT OF SIGHT, RELIEVED OF THE THOUGHT OF A JAIL SENTENCE, ONE OF THE GUYS SAID, "NOW WHAT?"

DWAYNE LOOKED AT ME AND I LOOKED AT DWAYNE AND WE BOTH BROKE INTO BIG GRINS AT THE SAME TIME. "THE GATOR'S GOING TO THE SHOW!" THE SHOW REFERRED TO THE ROYAL THEATER, A BEAUTIFUL ART-DECO STRUCTURE REMINISANT OF ALL THE MOVIE HOUSES OF THAT ERA. ALSO COMMON TO THAT ERA WAS THE BLACK/WHITE SEATING ARRANGEMENT. IN CITYS THAT COULD NOT AFFORD TO BUILD SEPARATE MOVIE HOUSES FOR BLACKS AND WHITES, THEY BOTH SHARED THE SAME BUILDING, BUT IN SEPARATE SEATING AREAS. THE WHITES GOT THE MAIN FLOOR WHITE BLACKS HAD TO SIT IN THE BALCONY. WHEN I WAS A VERY SMALL CHILD, OUR BLACK HOUSE KEEPER TOOK ME TO THE ROYAL AND I GOT TO SIT IN THE BALCONY, AS SHE WAS MY CARE-GIVER. I LOVED IT-THE BEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE. I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE THE OWNER SHORT CHANGED HIMSELF GIVING THE BEST SEATS TO THE ONES HE THOUGHT THE LESS OF. JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT PREJUSTICE WILL GET IN THE WAY OF COMMON SENSE EVERY TIME.

BACK TO THE STORY. THERE WERE ALSO NATURALLY SEPARATE ENTRANCES FOR THE TWO RACES. WHILE WHITES GOT TO USE THE WIDE, DOUBLE-DOORED, CARPETED FRONT ENTRANCE, THE BLACKS WERE SENT TO A SINGLE DOOR ON THE SIDE STREET.

WE ( DWAYNE AND I, THE OTHERS WERE TOO CHICKEN S...) PLACED THAT GATOR IN THE SIDE STREET WITH IT'S HEAD AND TWO FEET UP ON THE CURB. I THEN TOOK A LENGTH OF THIN ROPE AND TIED IT AROUND THE GATOR'S NECK AND RAN THE CORD ALONG THE GUTTER AROUND TO THE FRONT CORNER OF THE BUILDING AT A SIGN THAT READ "TAXI STAND'. (NOTE:WE ONLY HAD ONE TRAFFIC LIGHT IN HOGANSVILLE, BUT HAD FOUR FULL-TIME TAXIS) I MADE A LARGE LOOP IN THE ROPE AND LAID IT IN THE GUTTER. I WAS ABLE TO LEAN INNOCENTLY AGAINST THE SIGN AND SECRETLY SLIP MY FOOT INTO THE LOOP, GIVE A SLIGHT TUG AND BRING THE MONSTER TO LIFE WHEN THE MOMENT WAS RIGHT
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PRESENTLY THE RELATIVE SILENCE WAS BROKEN AS THE MOVIE ENDED AND THE SOUND OF A HUNDRED CHILDREN DESENDING THE STEPS OF THE BALCONY, HAPPY, RECALLING THE JUST SEEN EVENTS, AND WANTING TO HEAD HOME AND RECOUNT THE MOVIE TO OTHER FRIENDS AND RELATIVES. THE SINGLE SIDE DOOR BURST OPEN AS WAS THE SATURDAY NIGHT, END-OF-THE-MOVIE CUSTOM UNTIL THE LEAD CHILD SAW THE "GAPING JAWS OF DEATH" JUST INCHES IN FRONT OF THEM. WITH BOTH ARMS STRETCHED STRAIGHT OUT, HE SWEPT THE ENTIRE GROUP FOLLOWING HIM BACK INTO THE BUILDING AND THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT. THEN, JUST LIKE THE SCENE FROM A DISNEY CARTOON, AS THE DOOR OPENED SLIGHTLY, HEADS POPPED OUT ALL ALONG THE DOOR TOP TO BOTTOM.

TAKING MY CUE FROM DWAYNE, I JERKED MY FOOT SIDEWAYS A COUPLE OF TIMES AND THAT DEAD(LY) REPTILE SPRANG TO LIFE. "IT'S A GATOR! IT'S A MOTHER F...... GATOR!" CAME A SHOUT FROM THE THEN SILENT CROWD AND AGAIN THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT WITHOUT DECAPITATING A SINGLE CHILD.
IN A PANIC THE ONLY OBVIOUS EXIT IS OVER THE GLASS CANDY COUNTER AND OUT THE FRONT DOOR WHEN A MOVIE THEATER IS BEING ATTACKED BY SUCH AN ENORMOUS REPTILE. ALMOST AS SOON AS THE SIDE DOOR SLAMMED FOR THE SECOND TIME, THE FRONT DOOR BURST OPEN WITH A MIX OF SCREAMING, WIDE-EYED BLACK CHILDREN AND CONFUSED WIDE-EYED WHITE CHILDREN. ONLY A BLOCK AWAY AT THE POLICE STATION COULD BE HEARD THE OLD FASHION, "BRODICK CRAWFORD'S HIGHWAY PATROL", SIREN BEGINNING TO WIND UP, THE KIND THAT TAKES FIVE MINUTES TO UNWIND WHEN ON THE SCENE. SINCE MY MAMMA DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL, NOW WAS THE OPPORTUNE MOMENT TO LET THE LOOP SLIP FROM MY FOOT AND WALK BACK TO MY SEAT IN FRONT OF JABLEYS"S DEPT. STORE. IT LOOKED LIKE THE FILMING OF A KEYSTONE KOPS MOVIE! PANDAMONIUM REIGNED FOR AWHILE! TWO POLICE OFFICERS WERE THERE WITH GUNS DRAWN TO KILL THAT GATOR EVEN DEADER, IF NEED BE. THE ROWDY, PUMPED UP CROWED OF TEENS AND PRE-TEENS, CONSISTING OF ABOUT AN EQUAL MIX OF BLACKS AND WHITES, BOTH THINKING THE OTHER HAD A HAND IN THIS ADVENTURE, SOME DARING OTHERS TO TOUCH IT, WHILE OTHERS WERE SHOVED PLAYFULLY TOWARDS IT.

IT WAS ALMOST CARNIVAL-LIKE UNTIL SOME FOOL HUNG HIS FOOT IN THE ABANDONED LOOP. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! THERE ARE PEOPLE TODAY THAT SWEAR THAT THE GATOR GROWLED AND SNAPPED AT THEM. PEOPLE SCREAMED, AND AS THE CHILDREN WERE SCATTERING TO THE FOUR WINDS, I COULD CLEARLY HEAR THE UNMISTAKENED SOUND OF TWO .357 MAGNUMS BEING COCKED. IN A INSTANT JUST BEFORE A HAIL OF GUNFIRE WAS TO BE RAINED DOWN ON THE CREATURE, THE ASST. CHIEF LOOKED TO HIS LEFT AND SAW US CALMLY SITTING AND SIPPING ON OUR DR. PEPPERS. HE HOLSTERED HIS WEAPON, REASONABLY SURE THAT THERE WAS NOTHING THAT NEEDED A HOLE THE SIZE OF A CANTALOPE BLOWN INTO IT, AND MOTIONED FOR HIS OFFICER TO DO THE SAME AS THEY WALKED THE SHORT DISTANCE TO WHERE WE WERE. "I DON'T KNOW HOW YET, BUT I KNOW YOU BUNCH OF LITTLE PISS ANTS ARE BEHIND THIS AND WHEN I FIND OUT, SOMEBODY'S GOING TO JAIL!' HIS FACE WAS SO RED THAT IT WAS PROBABLY BRIGHTER THAN THE MURCURY VAPOR STREET LIGHTS
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NOT WANTING TO LET AN OPPORTUNITY SLIP PASSED ME (ACTUALLY, NOT STOPPING TO THINK--AGAIN) I SAID, "DICK (THE ASST. CHIEF) WHAT YOU GONNA DO WITH YOUR GATOR? RECKON YOU MIGHT SELL IT?"
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TOWN NOW AND I MEAN IT! AND I HOPE JUST ONE OF YOU SCRATCH-OFF, RUN A STOP SIGN, OR SPIT ON THE SIDEWALK 'CAUSE SOMEBODY'S GOING TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN JAIL!"

THEY NEVER DID SOLVE THE CASE OF THE M.F. GATOR!

THE MONSTER SIDEWALK SURFER!

2009-06-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

BACK IN THE MID-60'S THERE WAS ONLY "ROLL" FILM AND IT WAS USUALLY RESERVED FOR FAMILY AFFAIRS; BIRTHDAYS, VACATIONS, ETC. THAT IS WHY THERE IS NO RECORDED EVIDENCE OF THE "MONSTER SIDEWALK SURFER". IT WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TO HAVE BEEN SILLY TO TAKE AN EXPENSIVE PICTURE OF A PIECE OF WOOD WITH A SKATE NAILED TO THE BOTTOM. WE WERE FUN-LOVING IN THOSE DAYS--NOT STUPID!

AROUND ABOUT THE SUMMER OF 1964 THE BEACH BOYS, JAN AND DEAN, AND ALL THE OTHER CALIFORNIA SURFER SINGERS WERE WRITING SONGS ABOUT THE NEWEST CRAZE TO SWEEP THE COUNTRY: SIDEWALK SURFING. TODAY IT IS AS COMMON AS, WELL BREATHING I GUESS. BUT BACK THEN, NOW THAT WAS THE DAWN OF IT ALL. CALIFORNIA HAS ALWAYS, IT SEEMS, BEEN ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF CRAZY, OVER-THE-TOP, OFF-THE-WALL, AND JUST ABOUT ANY OTHER PHRASE THAT COMES TO MIND. SOME "DUDE" MADE ONE OUT OF A SMALL BOARD SHAPED LIKE A LITTLE SURF BOARD, ATTACHED THE RUNNING GEAR FROM ONE SKATE, GAVE IT A LITTLE PAINT JOB, THEN TOOK OFF TO THE LOCAL ROLLER SKATE PARK. THE REST AS THEY SAY IS HISTORY.

NOW WE TRAVEL ALL THE WAY BACK ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO HOGANSVILLE, GEORGIA. DEFINATELY NOT KNOWN FOR SURFING, SKATING, OR ANYTHING ELSE NOT ASSOICATED WITH THE LOCAL COTTON MILL. WE JUST SAT AROUND TELLING TALL TALES ABOUT SEX, HOW FAST OUR CARS WOULD GO, SEX, WHO WE COULD "WHIP" IF THEY MESSED WITH US, SEX, AND COUNTLESS OTHER EVENTS OF NO REAL IMPORTANCE TO ANYONE BUT US.

WELL SIDEWALK SURFING HAD BEEN IN THE NEWS ABOUT WILD KIDS TAKING THEIR LIVES IN THEIR HANDS WITH THESE CONTRAPTIONS, ENOUGH SO THAT ONE OF THE LOCAL STORES STARTED CARRYING THEM IN THE TOY SECTION. THOSE OF US WITH ENOUGH MONEY SHELLED OUT THE $3.95 FOR A STORE BOUGHT SURFER. DWAYNE, THOUGH OF ENOUGH FINANCIAL MEANS TO PURCHASE ONE, WAS NOT THE TYPE TO BUY WHAT HE COULD MAKE. YES, A TRUE AMERICAN!

ONE HOT, MUGGY, SUMMER SATURDAY EVENING, THE GANG (AND NOT THE TYPE OF TODAY'S DEFINITION) GATHERED IN FRONT OF JABLEY'S DEPT. STORE, NOW IN 2009 A PHOTO SHOP. WE ALL GATHERED THERE FOR SEVERAL REASONS,1. IT HAD STEPS TO SIT ON, 2. MR. JABLEY DIDN'T COMPLAIN TO THE POLICE ABOUT US BEING THERE, 3. THERE WAS A BIG COLUMN TO HIDE YOUR BEER BEHIND WHEN THE POLICE DID CRUISE BY.
YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT HOGANSVILLE WAS BUILT ON A HILL. IT BARELY BEGAN TO SLOPE AT JABLEY'S, BUT AS YOU TRAVELED TOWARDS HIGHWAY 29 IT BEGAN TO TAKE ON WHAT WE CONSIDERED A DEATH-DEFYING DROP. IT DID IN FACT DROP ABOUT 4 FEET FROM ONE SIDE OF COLLEGE STREET TO THE OTHER SIDE. ALL THE FANCY MOVES THAT TONY HAWK AND HIS PEERS PERFORM HAD NOT BEEN INVENTED YET. HELL, TONY HAWK'S PARENTS HADN'T BEEN BORN YET, SO IT IS SAFE TO SAY THAT NATURALLY WE ENDED OUR SURFING BEFORE REACHING COLLEGE STREET.

NOW ON THIS PARTICULAR SUMMER NIGHT, DWAYNE PULLS UP IN THE OLD 1962 FORD FAIRLANE, OPENS THE TRUNK AND PULLS OUT, WITH GREAT EFFORT, THE BIGGEST SIDEWALK SURFER WE HAD EVER SEEN. HE HAD TAKEN A 2X12 BEAM, CUT IT TO LENGTH, AND ADDED A SET OF WHEELS. TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE FORMITABLE, AS IF THAT WERE POSSIBLE, HE HAD CUT THE FRONT TO COME TO A SHARP POINT INSTEAD OF ROUNDED AS WAS THE USUAL. IT LOOKED LIKE A MINIATURE ICEBURG BREAKER.
WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A "KISS ME KATE", DWAYNE POINTED IT TOWARDS HWY.29, LIT-UP A CAMEL, KICKED-OFF, AND SAILED INTO OUR OWN PRIVATE HISTORY BOOK. WITH SMOKE AND CIGARETTE ASH A-FLYING, HE QUICKLY PICKED UP SPEED AS HE PAST THE DRUG STORE. PROBABLY ABOUT THE TIME HE PAST MARTIN'S GROCERY STORE, THE MATH KICKED IN. MAKING THE LIFE OR DEATH DECISION OF A LIFETIME, HE LEANED TO THE RIGHT AND STEERED INTO THE ALCOVE OF MAC'S 5&10 STORE. THAT SAVED HIS LIFE. ONE PROBLEM, THAT DAMNED MONSTER HE WAS RIDING HAD SO MUCH WEIGHT AND FORCE THAT WHEN IT HIT THE 8FOOT TALL DOUBLE DOORS OF THE STORE, THEY POPPED OPEN LIKE A BOMB WENT OFF, AND ALMOST AS LOUD. WE WERE ALL RUNNING DOWN THE SIDEWALK TO SEE THE ACTION AND TO PULL HIM OUT OF THE SIDE OF A CAR SHOULD HE HAD TRYED TO SAIL ACROSS COLLEGE STREET AND A CAR APPROACH AT THAT SAME TIME, WHEN WE SAW THE IMPACT. THANKFULLY DWAYNE BOUNCED BACK FROM THE DOORS ON CONTACT AND WAS NOT HURT, ONLY SLIGHTLY DAZED. WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A DISCUSSION, PLANNING, OR SECOND THOUGHT, WE GRABBED DWAYNE, THE MONSTER BOARD, SLAMMED THE DOORS TO MAKE THEM LOCK, AND HEAD OUT OF TOWN UNTIL THE HEAT WAS OFF, AND I AM NOT REFERRING TO THE TEMPERATURE.

IT'S BEEN 45 YEARS AGO AND MY MEMORY IS NOT AS SHARP AS IT USED TO BE, BUT I CAN'T RECALL EVER SEEING THAT MONSTER SIDEWALK SURFER AGAIN!

DWAYNE SAMUEL ROBINSON 03/31/48--05/23/09

2009-06-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

A FEW WEEKS AGO SOMEONE FROM MY CHILDHOOD AND TEENAGE YEARS PAST AWAY. DWAYNE ROBINSON, TO QUOTE LEWIS GRIZZARD, WAS A GREAT AMERICAN. I PERSONALLY DO NOT KNOW A SINGLE PERSON THAT DID NOT BREAK INTO A SMILE WHEN DWAYNE'S NAME WAS MENTIONED. THERE IS NO ONE THAT HAD KNOWN HIM FOR MORE THAN A WEEK THAT DOES NOT HAVE A PERSONAL AND MOST LIKELY HUMOROUS STORY TO TELL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER. AS I REFLECT ON THE ANTICS AND ESCAPADES THAT I PARTISCIPATED IN WITH MY "PARTNER IN CRIME", I CAN NOT HELP BUT TO LAUGH-THEN CRY-THEN LAUGH AGAIN. MY MEMORIES OF THIS COLORFUL SOUTHERNER MAY NOT BE A PRIZE WINNING STORY OR EVEN WORTHY OF A SHORT BLURB IN READER'S DIGEST, BUT TO THOSE LUCKY FEW WHO KNEW HIM, THE STORIES ARE PRICELESS!

A KINDLY GENTLEMEN BY THE NAME OF DR. BOB MARTIN OFFICIATED AT DWAYNE'S FUNERAL. HE CHALLENGED EACH OF US TO TELL OUR "DWAYNE STORIES" TO KEEP HIS MEMORIES ALIVE AND TO ENRICH OUR OWN LIVES. IT MADE SENSE TO ME.

IN THE COMING WEEKS, AS I SIT AND RECALL EVENTS FROM OUR PAST THAT I THINK WILL BE OF INTEREST, I WILL PUT THEM HERE ON THE BLOG. DO NOT BE TOO DISCOURAGED OR UPSET IF THEY ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING TO YOU, FOR YOU SEE I AM REALLY DOING THIS FOR DWAYNE'S DAUGHTER (AND MY FELLOW CLASSMATES) AS A WAY TO HONOR A MAN WORTH HONORING AND REMEMBERING.

WELL SANDPAPER MY FANNY AND CALL ME SENSITIVE.....

2009-05-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

WELL, THIS UNASSUMING GUY IN THE PHOTO IS PATRICK DENNIS, ONE-HALF OF THE "ATLANTA FOUNDATION FOR PUBLIC SPACES". MY FIRST ENCOUNTERS WITH affps WERE REALLY NOT TO MY LIKING; THAT WAS AT THE FAMOUS ATLANTIC STATION MARKET. I GUESS THE ONLY MAJOR OBJECTION THAT I HAD WITH THAT MARKET WAS THE LATE HOURS THAT MUST BE KEPT. WITHOUT HAVING GONE DIRECTLY TO THE SOURCE, I ASSUMED THAT IT WAS THE RULING OF PATRICK AND RANDAL(THE OTHER HALF OF affps). COME TO FIND OUT THAT IT IS ATLANTIC STATION'S RULE. MY BAD! OVER THE COURSE OF THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS, I HAVE HAD A BOOTH AT THE VIRGINIA/HIGHLANDS MARKET. THERE I HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW PATRICK A LOT BETTER AND I GOTTA SAY, HE'S A PRETTY COOL GUY. JUST BE WILLING TO WORK WITH HIM, AND HE WILL GO OUT OF HIS WAY TO SEE THAT YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED. YOU GOT TO LOVE THE PROMOTER WHO IS IN THE TRENCHES WITH YOU TO HELP YOU MAKE MONEY.

SO PATRICK, LET ME JUST BLUBBER IT ALL OVER THE INTERNET--THANK YOU! (THAT'S AS SENSITIVE AS IT GETS HERE AT THE COTTAGE).

WELCOME--JUST KEEP LOW!

2009-05-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

I HAVE A SMALL STORE BUILDING NEXT TO MY HOUSE. IT HAS NOT BEEN OPERATED AS A BUSINESS SINCE I BOUGHT IT FROM THE OWNER'S ESTATE ABOUT TEN YEARS AGO. YOU WOULD THINK THAT THE LOCALS, AT LEAST, WOULD KNOW IT'S NOT OPEN FOR BUSINESS, BEING AS THE LOCALS KNOW EVERY THING INCLUDING IF YOU WEAR BOXERS OR BRIEFS.
WELL, KNOWING THE AVERAGE DEPTH OF THE LOCAL GENE POOL IS SHALLOW TO SAY THE LEAST, I PUT UP 5, COUNT 'EM 5, STORE-BOUGHT "KEEP OUT" SIGNS. I ATTACHED ROPE BETWEEN THEM. YEP, YOU GUESSED IT. THE SONS OF BUSCUIT EATERS LIFT THE ROPE AND WALK OVER TO THE HOUSE. "I CAN'T NEVER CATCH Y'ALL OPEN."
DUH! AND DAMIT, YOU CAN'T USE INTELLIGENCE OR REASONING ON THEM. ROLLS RIGHT OFF LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK'S BACK.
SO NOW I DECIDED TO USE RELIGON ON 'EM! EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT MEETING THE LORD--JUST NOT TODAY. WELL TODAY MIGHT BE THE DAY!

KEEP OUT!

CLICK ON PICTURE FOR ENLARGEMENT.

THIS IS A TWO-WAY STREET PEOPLE!

2009-05-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

IF I AM GOING TO ENTERTAIN YOU, I HAVE TO KNOW IF I AM TALKING TO THE WORLD OR JUST MYSELF. SO COME PEOPLE, LET'S HAVE A LITTLE FEED-BACK HERE! I HAVE MADE IT SIMPLE FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT REFUSE TO TAKE YOUR HAND OFF THE MOUSE AND DOING THE UNTHINKABLE, LIKE YOU KNOW-ACTUALLY TYPE. YOU CAN POINT AND CLICK ON THE REACTIONS SECTION.
DON'T TRY TO SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT REALLY OUT THERE, BECAUSE I AM TRACKING YOU. YES, I KNOW WHEN YOU SNEAK ON MY BLOG PAGE, READ IT, LAUGH A LITTLE, THEN SNEAK OFF WITHOUT SOME MUCH AS A KISS MY ...... WELL FINE! HAVE IT YOUR WAY. I'M OUT OF SCHOOL FOR THE SUMMER AND DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S REAR IF YOU COMMENT OR NOT.

THE REASON FOR THE BULL TOWEL RING? NONE. I JUST LIKED IT AND THOUGHT IT WENT WITH THE ABOVE RANT.

LATER.

2009-04-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

THIS IS A "MEXICAN TROLLER". YOU ATTACH A GREEN CARD TO EACH LINE AND DRIVE THROUGH ANY, AND I MEAN ANY, CONVENIENCE STORE IN THE ATLANTA AREA. YOU WILL SNAG 4 BEFORE YOU CAN GET OUT OF THE PARKING LOT. NEXT YOU DRIVE TO THE LOCAL I.N.S. OR BORDER PATROL OFFFICE TO HAVE THEM PROCESSED AND GO BACK FOR MORE. THERE IS NOT LIMIT.

LATER

2009-03-28T04:46:00.001-07:00

OK, I KNOW THIS IS NOT A HOOK (OR MAYBE IT IS, HMMM) THIS OUTRAGEOUS NOVELTY IS SURE TO GET ATTENTION. JUST FILL WITH CRUMPLED NEWSPAPER AND PLACE FOR MAXIMUM SIGHTINGS. WHAT A HOOT! JACO777@EARTHLINK.NET 706-302-8902

LATER

2009-03-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

HERE IT IS GUYS. NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY OR WONDER WHILE YOU ARE WITH THE BOYS AT THE BAR, MUD-BOG, COCK FIGHTS,HUNTIN'/FISHIN', CAR RACES, OR ANY OTHER GENTLEMANLY RECREATION. KEEP THAT GAL TRUE AND PURE WHILE YOU ARE OUT PROVIDIN'. YES, OF COURSE, THERE ARE TWO HOLES IN THE BOTTOM. THEY ARE THERE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. NOT TO WORRY, ANY GUY THAT COULD FIT THRU ON OF THOSE TINY HOLES AIN'T NO REAL MAN ANYWAY. IT COMES COMPLETE WITH LOCK AND KEY. THE PURITY OF YOUR WOMAN IS AT STAKE, SO CALL FAST MAN! JACO777@EARTHLINK.NET 706-302-8902
LATER

2009-03-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

YOU GOTTA LOVE THE"GATOR IN THE GRASS" CAST IRON STEPPING STONES! THE SET CONSISTS OF THREE PIECES.

JACO777@EARTHLINK.NET

706-302-8902

2009-03-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

COMING SOON!

HOOKS OF EVERY DESCRIPTION